Clint's Farmyard Adventures
by fezwearingjellybananas
Summary: Clint has a farm and not everything always goes to plan (it so rarely does)
1. The Day the Cows got out (& SHIELD fell)

**The Day the Cows got out (and SHIELD fell)**

Milking done for the morning, he looked proudly over his herd of Holstein cross Hereford cows. Was that it for the morning? Looked that way, breakfast time.

Porridge was always a good breakfast, nice and warm with lots of carbs to keep him going for the day. He'd have to set up the crush, he needed something to hold the calves while he dehorned and he didn't know when Natasha would be getting back. It was all very well waiting, but it was better to get it over and done with before their buds got too big. And if they grew to actual horns they'd be dangerous to both the calves and him.

And then there was shearing to start at some point with the hot weather drawing in. Shame wool had such a low price these days, but Nat liked to use it for her knitting so he didn't mind too much because he didn't sell much of it. That could probably wait a few more days if it had to. It wasn't too bad yet.

Urgh, and cleaning out the chicken coup, what fun. They stank to high heaven those chickens, far worse than anything else but they were worth it because Clint had never had nicer eggs.

Then what, watering vegetables that probably needed doing. Make sure the irrigation in the wheat and maize fields were working. Feed the dogs. Feed the pigs. And all before lunch.

Ah, a farmer's life for him.

Clint stepped back outside and walked into a cow. They were littered about the place, most eating his garden which was actually Natasha's garden after she told him tomatoes didn't count as flowers even though they had flowers and he planted them with marigolds anyway to keep the insects off them.

"Aww, cows." He whistled for the dogs and they began herding them back into the shed but something spooked them and they ran. Just what he needed. At that moment his phone chose to ring.

"Barton."

"Clint, we need you, HYDRA's inside SHIELD. I'm with Steve, they're after us. How quickly can you get to Washington? You've got a Quinjet down there, haven't you?"

"Yeah, Nat about that. Oi, you, get off that."

"What did you do?"

"I think I'm going to have to call you back Nat."

"What part of HYDRA didn't you understand Clint?"

"I can't right now, the cows got out."

"We are very possibly going to die."

"But the cows Nat."

"But the HYDRA Clint."

"Steve beat them before. I'll be there as soon as I can, just let me catch the cows before they hurt themselves. Aww, door."

"What did you do?"

"There's a cow in your bedroom."

She hung up.

"Right girlies, you've had your fun, get back inside."

It took a while to get the cows back, but he secured the gate then headed off to make sure everything was fed and watered. He picked a few early tomatoes as he walked past, eating one and sticking the others in a box with some eggs, bacon and a bottle of milk (that he would have to find some kind of fridge for. There was a camping one somewhere, maybe that would work) and climbed into the Quinjet. Fury had insisted he had a way to get back quickly, this seemed to work.

He arrived at the Triskelion in time to see a Helicarrier crash into it. A helicopter landed behind him and Natasha climbed out.

"Hey Nat."

"Where have you been?"

"I told you, the cows got out. Then I had to feed the pigs and the chickens and water the vegetables and when we get back there's a few calves that need debudding and the chickens need cleaning out and sheep need shearing so it's not like I didn't drop anything. And I brought food."

"Oh great. SHIELD gets destroyed but at least we have an egg."

"Excuse you Natasha, I have several eggs, bacon, tomatoes and milk and I still have a job."

"Which makes you next to no money."

"Yeah, but I don't have to buy food. Who's he?"

"Sam Wilson."

"Falcon. You've been replaced Hawk, found another bird."

"Fine. Hey, Nick, you know you're dead and want to come and help me hold calves anyway."

"No."

"I named a cow after you."

"It had udders."

"Well, yeah, it was a cow. A female cattle that has calved."

"Oh fine, I'll come and help you."

"Great, thanks Nat."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I don't know how long it's going to be because I don't have anything planned, I'm so sorry. On the other hand, they're all oneshots so I write them in order because they're short. Maybe three or four?<strong>

**But yes. Yesterday Marvel said Hawkeye has a farm and this kind of happened.**

**(All my farming experience is in Sussex, but it can't be too different and we did look at American agriculture for Environmental A-Level as a comparison.)**

**But here you go, Clint's Farmyard Adventures.**


	2. Lambing Season

**Lambing Season**

Clint dragged himself in at four in the morning, bags under his eyes, not having slept for about twenty four hours.

"Tasha can you do the milking for me?"

"What happened?"

"Sheep are idiots. I had to stop one stealing a lamb, one got stuck and the other twenty have decided not to even consider lambing yet."

"Did you not think to get anyone else to help?"

"Yeah, I'll just phone up the Avengers shall I? 'Hey guys so you know we're all a team, Earth's Mightiest Heroes kind of thing, there's something really really important I need you all to come and help with. What's that you say Tony? No, no alien invasions. Wrong again Steve, not a threat to world security. No Thor, it's defiantly worth you using the Bifrost to get here. What is it? Oh, I need help birthing sheep, anyone fancy sticking their hands up-"

"I get it, you think they'll think you're an idiot."

"None of them have any experience with sheep, they might make it worse. I only came in to get coffee."

"No, you came in to go to bed."

"But the sheep Nat."

"I'll look after the sheep, you go and sleep for at least half an hour."

"What if-"

"I'll come and get you, the barn's only over there."

"Don't kill my sheep."

"I'm not going to kill your sheep."

"Are you sure because they die pretty easily. I think they're a bit stupid. Don't tell them I said that."

"Just go to bed."

"And don't forget to milk the cows first!"

It was only two hours, but Clint felt much better after a rest. He headed into the barn and saw Natasha watching a sheep.

"She hasn't moved for a while. I think I can see a nose."

It slid out fairly quickly, an easy birth for her. She even turned around to clean it herself.

"She's only had one, watch this."

Clint picked up one of the lambs that had been a triplet and rubbed her against the new lamb. The ewe proceeded to clean both of them and Natasha frowned at him.

"They've only got two teats, so you foster any triplets onto a ewe that's only had one lamb. She'll accept them both as hers now. It's better than bottle feeding, that takes time and you have to milk the sheep and it's just a pain."

"I thought you did milk sheep."

"You can, but I don't."

"What about the ones you don't foster?"

"Hopefully there won't be any. If there are, you can bottle feed them."

"Me?"

"I have cows to milk, you feed the lambs."

"You're still tired."

"It's lambing season, I'm not going to get more than a few hour's sleep until this lot have done."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Continuity? What continuity? <strong>

**Well, probably does happen after last chapter. Natasha probably went to stay with Clint in the middle of nowhere after SHIELD went down the drain and people knew all about her. **


	3. Barney's Visit

**Barney's Visit**

Clint was knee deep in trouble even before he got there. The man approached from behind, anxious for him not to see.

"What are you doing here?"

"How did you know I was here?"

"Don't try and sneak up on a spy, it's not worth it. Natasha gave me some lessons." Clint turned around, a smear of oil on his face and on most of him actually. "Pass me that hammer on the way past?"

"Pretty sure you don't fix tractors with a hammer little brother."

"Really? Watch this." Clint whacked it and the engine roared to life. "When in doubt, whack it with a hammer."

"No need to look so smug about it."

"What are you doing here Barney?"

"What, a guy can't stop by to see how his brother's doing?"

"You're not just here to laugh at my tractor's expense then?"

"It is a pretty old tractor. You need a new one."

"Well, I only needed one more set of wages from SHIELD to afford one, but I lost my job and it wasn't my fault."

"You can at least get a professional to fix it. Don't you work with Tony Stark?"

"Er, I prefer my tractors to have four wheels which stay firmly on the ground, thank you."

"You haven't told them."

"Nope. You staying the night?"

"Yeah, why not."

"It'll just stick this away."

Clint hopped up on top of the tractor and made about two feet before it spluttered and died.

"I have a better idea. Instead of putting it away, I'll fix it so it can actually work."

"I'll just go-"

"And you can help."

"Tractor fixing with the bro. What a way to spend a Friday night."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I am so, so sorry. I meant to put this up yesterday but things happened and I forgot until this morning where upon I tried to open it while my computer was running back up onto an external hard drive and it vanished. So I tried to get it from said external hard drive which promptly crashed so I lost my back ups of several years worth of novel ideas which were backed up on there and I couldn't find on my computer. Managed to recover my school work, I thought I had them on here too, turns out they were saved on the old one and so a tad out of date (it' not too bad) but I have kind of lost everything not saved to a Cloud (thankfully my most recent projects were on there). In short, today has not been a good day. So I'm sorry it's later than I intended and kind of rushed, I have a fairly good memory, but not good enough to be able to remember an entire thing. But here's a chapter. <strong>

**I also think I'm going to put this on hold while I focus on other projects, including school work, and there's a company I can take it to to get the data retrieved, so fingers crossed I might be able to get some of it back. Fingers crossed. It has the backup of all our family pictures on it as well. Ah technology. The ease you give is only topped by your ability to die and take everything away.**

**And paper, thank you for existing with notes of ideas on. I will love you forever. Also you lot for reading. **


End file.
